I stumbled upon my journal that I kept during Reed’s accident a few nights ago as I was cleaning. As I sat and read it, I was reminded that God does not promise tomorrow, but does promise He will be with us. So often, I let fear and worry take over. Our family knows way more of cancer than we want to. We know more about traumatic brain injury than we should. We know more about death and sorrow than we care to know. But our hope has always been, and always will be, in the one true healer… the only one who can offer perfect life, everlasting life. As I transfer my journal from paper to computer this morning, I praise God for the mercies He has bestowed upon my family during trials. I am so thankful for parents who continue to teach me well into adulthood that I can rest my weary and worrisome heart in the hands of Jesus.
Below is my account of the days leading up to Reed waking from his coma. The doctor’s gave him a 10% chance of living, and an even slimmer chance of living a productive life if he survived. People question whether miracles happen. I do not!
Days 1 and 2:
Reed, When Shannon called and told me you were in a car accident I was immediately overcome with grief… deep fear. Fear like I’ve never known. Dustin wasn’t home. I had just put Emerson and Reese to bed. I screamed out to God and said, “No!” I fell to the floor and told God this could not happen. I rushed down to a neighbor to get a babysitter and took off towards mom and dad’s house. We drove through the night to get to you. Every time Matt or Shannon would call Dad with an update I would watch his face. It didn’t look good – even though he kept telling mom and me that everything was going to be fine. When we got to the hospital Matt met us outside and showed us up to your room. Mom was afraid of what she would see – so it was just dad and me that went in to see you. Oh Reed! It was then that I realized just how critical this was. I hated seeing you lying there unable to respond. I held your hand and told you that I loved you. We stayed through the night and the rest of the next day in the hospital. There will be so many people telling you what went on during that time, but all I want to tell you is that I can’t lose my brother. I am scared right now because my mind always goes to the worst. I am scared you wont come back. I want to scream at you and tell you to fight. I know it is tough because your body and mind are under so much right now. But you have to fight through this. You have to even if you don’t want to, because we all need you.
Suzie, Jimmy, and Billy Burge just got here Reed. They came to see you and tell you how much they love you. You are going in to surgery right now. They are cleaning your arm. It was mangled pretty badly. We are all in the waiting room telling funny stories about you. … (Later) Mom, Suzie, Jimmy, and I just went in to see you. When we came out Alan Valkenburg was here to see you. He said he had heard about your wreck. He said he wanted to come not to see you but to tell us that you had had such an impact on his younger brother who is now sober after a long bout of alcoholism. What a godsend you were to him, he said. God has used you to bless others. Now we are here to care for you. We love you. … (Later) The orthopedic surgeon just told us that although he can’t speak on behalf of the neurological physicians, as far as your arm is concerned, you can play golf again with much therapy! That was the hope we needed for today. Golf again! … (Later) They are going to start giving you nutrients now. Praise God! They will have to put a tracheotomy in your throat so that if you aspirate it will come through that rather than your lungs. They say they will leave that in until you wake up. Wake up!
It’s Thursday and I have to go home to take care of the girls on Sunday. I am praying you will show progress by then. … (Later) Forgive me for giving up hope today. Everything on this earth tells us you will not survive. But right now I choose to believe you will live and live wholly! … (Later) The neurologist came in tonight before we left to give a report. He sounded pretty bleak and laid out worst case scenario. It is so hard to stay strong. It is so hard to believe you will be Reed again when the doctors are so solemn. But we serve the God of Healing. Through Him ALL things are possible. He IS a God of miracles. Please God have mercy on us and restore Reed. Shannon has been so strong, Reed. You married a good woman. She is so great when she is in your room… just talks to you like everything is normal. You have a lot to live for. Emerson and Reese are ready for those cousins you promised them! My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus and his righteousness!
We are going to see great things today! I claim that! I believe you will show us something awesome today. We are in the hotel about to leave for the hospital. I am praying that your spirit is at peace right now. Hang in there… (Later) Reed! You are a fighter! You are trying to “wake up.” the neurologist is camping out at your bedside because of what you are showing him. He is surprised. We can tell that he wasn’t expecting this. God is revealing Himself! Praise God for tangible evidence today. Thank God for hope. … (Later) It’s almost the end of the day. They will close your room soon. You have been moving a lot today and your eyes are fluttering. I am so proud of you. I know it’s hard to keep fighting, but keep fighting. Tippy called and made us put the phone by your ear. He said (in his best Harry Carry voice), “Hey, if you were a hotdog would you eat yourself?”
Dustin, Emerson, and Reese just arrived. It was good to see them. I am feeling so torn. I need to take care of my family, but I want to be here for you every step of the way. I have to leave tomorrow to go back to Mississippi. Dad went into your room this morning and told you he’d be back in a bit. You lifted your leg as if to tell him not to leave. God is working miracles in you. We know this because you shouldn’t have even made it this far. Rest your weary soul in Jesus and He will make you WHOLE.
I said goodbye to you today and it was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. I’ll be back on the weekends. I am getting updates via phone now. Shannon called to say your fever is going down. They are prepping your arm for surgery. I continue to pray that God will restore you completely. Hang in there. God is with you.
Today I pray that this will be a day of great rejoicing. … (Later) I just talked to Shannon. She said she asked you to blink. You blinked! How awesome to hear that. …(Later) Dad just called. He said he asked you to blink, move your toes, and squeeze his hand. You did it all! Love you brother! You are doing great! To God be the glory!
Love over fear. I am sitting at the airport waiting on my flight to Dallas. I can’t wait to see you. I am praying you will wake up this weekend. Dad and Shannon keep telling me you have made great progress. See you soon.
I saw you this morning for the first time since last Sunday. You look good. You moved your leg and shoulders. The doctors said they found the source of the infection. It was in your lungs from the pneumonia. There is talk about moving you to a private room. … (Later) I just visited your room. The nurse was giving you a breathing treatment. It was so hard to watch. It just hurts my heart to see you like this. You looked uncomfortable but the nurse assured me that you will not remember this stage of the process. It is going to be so hard… this road to recovery. We don’t want you to hurt, or be scared or confused. We just want our Reed back. I know God is walking with you every step of the way. Mom and Dad seem to have a better handle on this trust thing. I’m more of a “I need some evidence” type of girl. Kinda like those ol boys in the boat with Jesus, huh? … (Later) We are all living a nightmare. We want to communicate with you so badly. Poor Shannon, what she must be going through. I pray for strength for Shannon, Mom, and Dad. I pray for the fever to disappear. I pray for your arm to be restored. I pray for the swelling in your brain to cease. I pray for you to wake up. I pray that God will perfectly restore and heal your brain and your body from the inside out. For with God ALL things are possible. “But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me, so that the message might be reached fully through me, and that all the Gentiles might hear. Also I was delivered out of the mouth of the lion. And the Lord will deliver me from every evil work and preserve me for His heavenly kingdom. To Him be the glory forever and ever. Amen” “Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the Heavens, Jesus the son of God let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weakness, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” “But without faith it is impossible to please Him. For He who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.”
How awesome is our God! Your eyes are wide open today. You are moving them. You are moving your head from side to side. Thank God for today. Come back to us Reed. … (Later) Rollercoaster of emotions. I have learned today that “waking up” in medical terms doesn’t really mean you are awake as we know it. You are “waking up” but you are still so far from us.
Just left the hospital. Didn’t see much action from you today. I think yesterday wore you out. They changed your arm bandage today and said it looks great. Praise God! It was such a dirty wound when you were brought in. glass, and rocks all in it. You had no skin left on it. They call it “degloved.” Oh this is hard. Hang in there. Keep fighting. I am praying without ceasing that you will be wholly restored.
Heavenly Father, I consider today the path of life laid out for those who are wise. It certainly isn’t the shortest, most traveled, or least difficult trail. There are times when the incline may be so steep it forces me on all fours, but that is a posture in which I am most humbled. It forces me to kneel down before You, the Lord my Maker. Your strength is perfect when mine is fleeting. It is a place where I realize it is no longer mine but in your perfect strength I walk. It is no longer my plan but your perfect plan that I follow. It is no longer my wisdom but your perfect wisdom that instructs me. You give perfect direction and adequate strength to walk the upward path that leads to life everlasting. Thank you that I will never walk to path of life alone, for You lead the way as You make my feet like hind’s feet on high places. We look to you for hope that renews our faith and restores our strength. In the midst of situations that challenge and weary us, Your power and strength never diminish. You never tire of us coming to you, but rather expect it. The promise of Your strength helps us rise above life’s detours and difficulties. We place our confidence in You, unchanging God, and develop the fruit of patience as we wait on You to fulfill Your promises. Amen
You still haven’t woken up from your coma but you are getting there. You are out of ICU and Dad and Shannon have entered “coach” mode. They are working you physically and mentally to try to arouse you from this deep place you are in. My heart literally hurts all day long. I want you back with us so badly. I hurt for Mom and Dad too. They are being so strong but I can see it in their eyes. They are in pain. Emerson keeps asking why she can’t see you.
You are amazing, Reed! We see you fighting! Keep it up! Dad called to share today’s praise! You are moving about and we can tell you want to come back to us. Come on, brother! Come on. We are waiting for you. We will help you on your road to recovery.
Dad just asked you to blink if you were in pain. You blinked and then a tear rolled out of your eye. Oh my heart. We do not want you in this pain. Today I pray that God will envelope you in the fold of His wings and soothe your pain as only He can. God is good. God does good. Therefore this must be good. I can’t wait to find out why and how!
I just got to the hospital. You just seem more “there” when I look at you today. I can tell you hear me. So much praise, and yet still in this nightmare.
Dad says you are starting to become more confused as you try to wake up. He said you are hitting everyone. Oh gosh! Bless you! It must be scary. I am scared for you.
Fasting today. Praying without ceasing.
Day 39: Reed!!!!! you said happy birthday to me today!!!!! Best gift ever.
I saw you at Baylor today. They have moved you there to begin rehabilitation. I played cards with you. It was painful to experience. You are trying so hard. You told us today that you want to move back to Mississippi. Oh how we love our Mississippi, don’t we? In spite of all that you are going through right now, you are being so polite, and respectful, and thoughtful, and funny. You have a great attitude and a heart of a champion. It is apparent to all of us that God has transformed you in a mighty way. You are coming back to us with so much spiritual clarity. So much wisdom of who God is. Did you see Him? I believe you did!