Contentedness came to me. I wasn’t looking for it. In fact, I was looking for the opposite. Bitterness could have come and stayed. Resentment could have made a place in my heart and remained. Grief might have won. But contentedness came.
A year’s worth of roller coaster emotions have finally leveled out. Moving to Texas was hard. Leaving weighed heavily. At times, the sadness was so heavy I could hardly catch my breath. I left a job I adored, friends that made me feel important and valued and funny and needed, family who fed us on the weekends and babysat my children and went antiquing with me in the summers, a back porch that was filled with the “supper club” crew at least once a month. All those things are going on without me now. And for the first time in a year, I am okay with that. The job is still there and I see it moving on and forward without me. The friends are still there and I see many of them moving forward. The family is still there and I see them too having dinner out or birthday parties or day trips to visit other family members. Supper club still moves on and I see that too. My life there didn’t stop to grieve me. It didn’t stop and wait for me to return. It didn’t grow bitter or resentful.
Gradually and slowly yet all at once, contentedness came to me. And somehow, that contentedness even became joy and happiness and gratitude. This place I call my home now actually feels like home. And although I am still very much Mississippi, I too am now Texas. Not sure if I’ll ever be enough Texas to enjoy the smoked barbeque (and when I say smoked, I mean it lingers… for days…relentlessly). But I am home. and I quite like it.